vineri, 19 decembrie 2014

Cheers

How can you ever know if something is good enough for you? How are you supposed to make decisions when you barely know who you are?
I'm drunk again. Not surprising at all. I've been through almost anything you can imagine, I guess. But this time, I must face the situation I've always feared the most: making decisions. I'm tired of not knowing what should I do. I'm tired of taking risks. I'm tired of not taking risks... I'm tired of being tired. I can't stop thinking 'What if?'
What if all my choices were wrong?
What if all my wrong choices were supposed to teach me something?
What if I never learn?
I'm tired of unanswered questions. I just need someone beside me. I need someone who can understand me. But how can be possible when even  I don't understand myself?  I need someone who can see into my soul. I need someone to put my needs over theirs. As I did. No... I guess I need the right person. Wrong time...Wrong love... Right person.
I fucking gave it a try. I believed in you. I thought you might have been the one. You were just like me. Until I grew up. I gave you everything. I might have given you my only chance to be happy. What if...? What if I gave this second chance to the wrong person? What if you were just a lesson? Were you just another lesson until I was ready for the one I was made for? What if we weren't even supposed to be characters in the same story? What if we were just pages and we were supposed to be read by each other? But instead, we kept the whole book...
 What the hell am I supposed to learn from this? And when will I?
Have another glass! Cheers!

vineri, 14 noiembrie 2014

Weight Of The World

Fill my arms with roses.
They will weigh like stones,
Because you gathered them
From the graveyard of my soul.

Fill my arms with stones.
They will weigh like roses,
Because you picked them
From the garden of your soul.

Fill my soul with sorrows.
They will weigh like light,
Because you've learnt to grow
Roses on the graveyard of my soul.

sâmbătă, 1 noiembrie 2014

Swimming through infinity.

My arm was leaning on the car window. If I opened my fist, I could have caressed thousands of wandering souls.
You took my breath once again. It felt like years... Once again, I found myself suffocating in my own reality. No matter how hard I try to stretch my hand; you will never reach me. You'll never swim deep enough to reach the bottom. You'll never escape from your glass cage. You'll just watch time's sharp edges narrowing; you'll be falling forever... in your never-ending sorrow.
Even in winter the sun warms the surface; but it's still winter. However, we continue our bewildered existence, hoping that spring will come sooner or later. Don't we live in fear? Actually, how can someone live in fear, getting through the worst and still hoping for the best? Those little wandering souls... And the saddest part - sometimes, for some of them spring will never come. They are doomed to be buried under the snow, without the possibility of ever seeing the light.
Oh, spring... Bury me deep inside your soul. Keep me into your light forever. Let your overwhelming sunrays heal my wounds. Fill my eyes with your eternal sunshine.
Bring me to life.

joi, 11 septembrie 2014

Maybe I always knew...

Life sums up all the changes that happen whether we want to or not, whether we are ready or not. Life goes on just like a waterfall, never returning where it began. Either you learn to swim against it or go with the tide. It's up to you.
Who would've known?
It all began in the early february. We started as strangers. We all start as strangers, don't we? You seemed to have lightened up the whole room since the moment you stepped inside. It was like stargazing. Even if the sky is full of stars, I will always stare at the North Star. You were my North Star. In time, you became my light at the end of the tunnel; my full moon rising above the glittery stars; you were my silence when everyone was shouting inside my head.
Have you ever thought that we'd go so far? Have you ever thought that you'd drive half naked while I sit completely naked, covered in blankets in the right seat?  Have you ever thought that we'd literally fuck in front of the whole town? We fought, we crawled, we rose and we conquered. We were perfect, like sun rays in the rain.
At first, I wanted this to be a happy post. Things aren't what you expect them to be, are they? If everything gets too hard for me to take... I need you to remember this: I did, I do and I will always love you.
My sun had slowly set... My sun rays became pale... Autumn has finally conquered my soul. I've always thought I'm not made for this world. Until I met you. How can I ever give up on you?
Remember those surreal days of summer.
Remember those satisfied smiles on our faces.
Remember those wild nights.
Remember those random places.
Remember those songs.
Remember how we used to laugh.
Remember those sweet showers.
Remember those days when we were like married.
Remember all our small presents.
Remember my smell.
Remember that skin to skin contact.
Remember my eyes.
Remember my mashed potatoes.
Remember my stuffed toys.
Remember my clothes.
Remember my hair.
Remember our tight embraces.
Remember the way I used to meow at you.
Remember our first (and the last) Christmas.
Remember our dreams.
Remember our shopping sprees.
Remember how we used to sleep.
Remember those nights in front of my house.
Remember my 18th.
Remember how I used to hold your hand.
Remember when I said 'forever'.
Remember me without crying.
Remember me as I used to be at first.

What's tomorrow without you?

marți, 2 septembrie 2014

A Sea To Suffer In.


Like thieves in the light,
With grief and a sigh;
Like knots in the night,
Crookedly tied;
Like rivers in moonlight,
Uncouth, feral, but bright.

With oceans inside,
We swallowed our pride;
Lost in this tide,
The waters have dried;
Waiting for tomorrow,
We harvest the sorrow.

sâmbătă, 30 august 2014

The dawning of a new day.

Life doesn't make us feel alive.
I've never felt so alive, so carefree. I've never allowed myself to taste freedom. I've been writing about it for ages without even knowing how it feels. I've always been that obedient, frightened, silly little girl. But it's time to grow up. 
My life used to be a cage until now. I realised I was just existing, and not living. Life is what you make it. I've accepted mine as something I was forbidden to reject. So I just floated on its surface, reconciled with the idea of never exploring its depth. Reconciled with the idea of never knowing on my skin how wonderful can the seabed be.  I've always imagined myself doing random things,getting drunk, having fun, living my life. Now, in this right moment, I decided to make it real.
I'm almost 20 and I can't say that I remember much. I finished high school without even noticing. The time passed unnoticeably. Just like my life. I've spent these 19 and a half years by doing nothing but whining, criticising, daydreaming and living in the past. It's time for me to rise and shine. As I like to say, it's never too late; it's just the wrong time. 
 Remember when I said that every challenge comes with a lesson? That's mine. It might sound mainstream, but you must live your life as intense as you can. I wrecked the walls of my so-called life and I decided to be free. To live. I need everybody to know that I will never be their pet again. I'm never gonna be their second choice. I'll never keep my mouth shut again. I'll make myself heard. In the end, I'll suffer all the consequences, but I'll simply know it's worth. 
As the sun rises, so will I. 

joi, 28 august 2014

Till the end of time.

What does love mean? I've been writing a lot these days, and even if I'm only deepening my thoughts, it makes me feel better. Maybe it shouldn't.
It's never easy. The best things in life are the ones you have to fight for. The best things in life are always difficult to achieve, but impossible to forget. The best things in life are the ones that teach you valuable lessons. You are the best thing in my life.
I decided to free my mind and open your eyes. What does love mean to you? I've never been asked that question, but I wanted to see if I can find an appropriate answer.
I've never wanted a traditional love. I've always wanted to feel it as deep as possible, to asphyxiate with your absence and cut my wrists with your indifference. Why? Because I used to think that in the end, the one who suffers the most will be the happiest. Unfortunately, that never worked for me. Seems like in time I became masochistic. I could just drown in my own tears and you wouldn't even make a move. I love you. Love means sacrificing yourself for your special one. And if so, I accept. I'm tired of being selfish. Maybe that's why I'm never happy. Only you can make me happy. By letting me make you happy.
Why is it so hard to find my words? It never happened before. It's so hard to explain how I feel. I'm burning. I'm falling. I'm suffocating. I'm trembling. I'm dying... The world would be so sad without you by my side. My skies would always be cloudy. My clouds would always be grey. My sun would never show its face again. My world would't be mine anymore... because you are my world.
Why can't you see into my soul? Everything happens with a reason. Every disappointment comes with a lesson. Every lesson has its price... I've paid for mine far too much. But once and for all, I've learnt to live every second ready to fight for the most insignificant wish. I've learnt not to take things for granted. I've learnt to fight for my everything.
If two past lovers can remain friends it's either they are still in love or never were.
The only thing I will always know for sure is that I LOVE YOU. Till the end of time, remember? The moment I will give up on you is the moment I will leave this world.
I've learnt that you are my everything.

miercuri, 27 august 2014

Freedom.

Do you ever feel like your life is played after a certain script? I might be crazy but... Oh, wait...I am crazy. Anyway, that's not an excuse. What if something up above is just playing Sims? What if we are just well-defined characters in a huge game?
Do you believe in free will? Do you believe in coincidences? Half of the people I met have an average thinking. ( If you are one of my acquaintances you must question yourself a bit, eh? ) They would never be able to think further than these boundaries. We think what we are indoctrinated to think. We act just like our ancestors, without questioning ourselves. Is there anything original in this Universe?
I might have an answer. Nothing is original, nothing is new, as long as these things have already been planned before. Maybe even I was supposed to think all these nonsenses. Maybe even you were supposed to read them, either deepen my ideas or think that I was high. Someone said that you give this Universe something special, something original by your simple presence... Is that credible?
Why are we doomed to repeat our mistakes? Why are we doomed to end our own circles? Why are our lives like circles? Like circles in sand... There always comes the tide and makes them disappear...And in the end, what have we gained?
I strongly believe there is no such thing as free will. Or maybe that's just an excuse for me to feel comfortable in my miserable life. It's so easy to blame the others, isn't it? If there existed free will, we wouldn't have been so weak, so fragile, so sensitive... We would've been able to do such great things...
But yet we are stuck in our own cages called lives, thanking so-called "Gods" for letting us live in this misery. For making us obedient, easy to please. For imposing boundaries. For prohibiting the access to superior knowledge. For letting the others call their little mistakes which dare to think further and look for the unknown "crazy".
How I wish I was truly crazy. In the end, only those people are the happiest, because they are able to see beyond the stereotypes. Because it's them who are truly free. Free from Gods' prohibitions. Free from Gods' will. Free to be original. Free to be themselves.

sâmbătă, 23 august 2014

It means everything.

Summer is almost gone, indeed; but autumn is coming. New feelings are about to come as well. However, the one that overcomes them all is insanely struggling inside me.
I used to ask myself why do we need such challenges in our lives. Not so long ago, I found out why. We need to be tested. We need to know if we deserve what we have. We need to be able to protect what we think it's the most important. We need to grow up, to learn from our own mistakes. We must use them as stairs and aim higher instead of letting them bring us down.
I wasn't able to do all these things... I was blind. I couldn't see the challenge coming, as I wasn't ready to fight with my ghosts as well. It was me who let them in, as it was me who let them stay, slowly feeding from my fears and my insecurities. I was possessed by the same demons who destroyed me so many times, the same demons which I thought I'd never be able to chase away.
But I did. Better later than never. Remember, it's just the wrong time. Where there is light, there is always hope.
I was half-alive as well. I've never changed the way I looked at you. Not even now. It will last forever, I know it. We flowed like rivers through the tightest mountain streams, only to end back together in wild waterfalls.
Always remember, a single match can light up the whole room.


vineri, 25 aprilie 2014

As I Die.

I find peace in a dying breath.
I breathe peaceful through death.

I rest in the end of my mind.
My mind is restless;
Without beginning
Nor end.

You tremble behind me
And swallow my shadow.
My shadow kneels
In front of you.

I touch the wind with my thoughts.
My gloomy, morbid, lustful thoughts
Smear, tear, sear the purity of wind.

Watch my light
And mourn your darkness.
Burn my darkness,
Banish your light.

The end is where
Infinity stops breathing through my veins.


joi, 24 aprilie 2014

Tainted.

Blinded by the storm and lost to apathy,
Thy ablaze conscience had to burn the veil;
For there is no escape from all this agony
That thou attained through thy unbounded trail.